Sorrow VI

April 24th, 2009

It is very difficult to surrender the day to sleep. It tries to oppose The Night. Perhaps Death is like going into the Night. Perhaps sleep practices us for the Nether World that may not be as bad as they say. Who the fuck knows? “Nobody” I scream ye fuckers! The priests tell us it’s a place above or one below, although the Pope excluded the belief of Limbo recently. Other religions have similar themes. Buddhism has added a heaven too to appease the masses. But Death ends each of us and we are unaware.

I think as I get nearer to Death that it may be a mysterious transformation of soul dissolved spiritually and miraculously perfect to exit until another being arises of that entity most naturally with a few alterations of genes to influence the birth.

If this makes sense you, you are representative of The “Chosen Ones” who will save mankind from Him or Herself. You Are “The Few.” “The Many” have simply moved on unnoticed. Perhaps that’s the best way. In this manner they avoid my sincere bullshit.

Andrew Wyeth, RIP

April 24th, 2009

Andrew Wyeth died. I stood in a line that went around he block in 1962 for an exhibition of his at The Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts. I remember I admired him in my youth until other sensibilities about visual art prevailed: early on Soutine, Lebrun, French Impressionists, Picasso, German Expressionists, Kolwitz, Ernst, Kirshner, New York Expressionists followed later by Morandi, Ernst, Picasso, Diebenkorn, Hopper and significantly Guston. Of course, many others influenced me and I’ve forgotten a few I should have mentioned.

But Wyeth remained a champion to many art lovers. I always regarded him as a gifted illustrator who created a sense of nostalgia about an agrarian past that was quintessentially American and innocent, despite the loneliness and ascetic hardness of it all. This appealed to many who sought representational fidelity, a return to simplicity and a sort of Epicurean idealism, the garden life of the country, the return to nature. He work is solid and technically precise, a craftsman and storyteller in the footsteps of his father. As such it rises above much USA art of the twentieth century, especially the so-called fine art that reduces to garbage, however stylistically popular. Vapid and theoretical studies along with shallow and sentimental products, and purely decorative deconstructionist excitements have long been dismissed by this critic, albeit an amateur one.

Much of the art I‘ve admired and sought to emulate over the years has elements of unique imagination, aesthetic integrity and strong ties to the classical Western Canon. While this stance remains challenged in a culturally diverse world of a new century, it remains my influence for better or worse. I’d like to think of Wyeth as one of my early teachers. I grew very critical of him for a period and regret I was so harsh. He certainly influenced many of the direct study portraits I did in the seventies. As I age I am pulling out the few remaining drawings of retarded individuals and old folk along with a few of young friends of mine from of all places, Chester County, the seat of the Brandywine School. I won a prize in drawing at Chester Springs, the old retreat of Thomas Eakins, one summer and got a nice easel, which I still have. That drawing won other prizes too. It is a small sketch in charcoal of a young black man who I worked with at a facility near Downingtown. My daughter has hung it proudly in her home for years. Perhaps I’ll do a few more portraits in the period ahead, God willing.

Obnoxious

April 19th, 2009

Sent to Father Charles in early May, ’08:

In regard to my smugness and boredom concerning the various duties I had as a teacher: relating to children, and their parents, and the various supervisors, principals etc.: I handled it very efficiently. It could be said I excelled at patience. But inwardly I preferred my alone time, fuck ‘em all!
I think now in my pre-dotage that if history had been different and I was ordained in 1935, for example, I would have been considered a good priest. I may have masturbated a lot and got used to that, (rationalized a justification; perhaps took two-week vacations incognito to Portugal to party for days on end ), and found relief in reading, or a few good friends with whom to share good whiskey. But I would have been noted as Father Murphy, a good and patient man, our pastor or teacher or confessor, whatever! My cross in life would have been the common folk like Mrs. McKerney wanting to know if I got anymore mass cards with the eternal blessing and absolution of the Pope or Mr. McFadden and his scrupulosity, desiring counseling in the rectory twice a week. I can’t wash my hands enough, Father. He gave us thousands of dollars so I had to entertain him.

That’s how I think I would have been.

Or perhaps I would have found the perfect life in a monastery, like Joe Young.

I am now redirected to my book. And my art. Both areas are challenging and worthy labors now. The most difficult task is dealing with others. I cannot predict the book’s or art’s impact, if any. I say, it’s all process and the results can wait. Perhaps I’ll be dead before all my poetry is retrieved via back-up disks, old binders of unedited material, my daughter’s and wife’s care to save it all and get someone to review it. The old problem. I am reclusive. In a crowd my anxiety turns me manic and I can become most obnoxious.

Your Dear Confrere,

Jim

Aging

April 18th, 2009

I am aware of the soreness of my body. I feel it especially in my lower back and hips, “the cradle” so to speak. The core is sore. I feel it especially when I get out of bed or out of chair or the car. These aches are almost my friends I’ve know them so long but now they are getting downright rude. I know many suffer far worse than me but Christ this is how it feels to be wearing out? I think I will quit the gym and spend my time at the pool. I’ll join the seniors for water arobics,lounge in the hot whirlpool, take steam baths and gossip. I’ll have good company. We’ll surely have a contest concerning our arthritis, the gout, flatulence, kidney stones, coranaries, bypasses and new knees, not including ungrateful children, memories of dead in-laws, pensions, health plans, doctors and pain.

I am also aware of the torpor of my spirit. Does it too dwindle with age? I depend upon my activities. I rarely sit alone doing absolutely nothing. I am aware I must have a distraction at all times, even sleep has it’s imaginary rituals and my dreams testify to my neuroticism. I generally wander from my studio to my typer, an old term which should be properly called The Word Processor. My art and my writing, however enjoyable, are “projects” in my mind. They are life-long ambitions in the process of fulfillment. As such this is only natural. But I work often from an inner emptiness. The nagging hollowness within demands escapes from what is. It takes the form of depression, drinking and smoking. My vanity demands attention if only that of the two or three I write to. I am constantly checking the E-mail. It’s pathetic. I see the dependency. It results in a psychological state of inner division, conflict, cognitive distortions, and obsession with becoming somebody if even the odd codger with an odd website, a couple of thinly veiled inverse novels, an attic of poetry voluminously arranged in looseleaf binders, each a different perversity, and a collection of weird art, none of it ever sold.

I don’t believe this is negativity or self-pity, although the latter has been a visitor too. Rather the awareness I am living a vain life. This insight frees me.

*K&A

April 17th, 2009

*K&A was just an ordinary neighborhood as I realize now. Today it is rundown and another world. But in my childhood each street could have been paved in gold, such was the richness I observed without knowing. “Under the El” was such a wonderful and thrilling experience. The neon, the salesmen out on the pavement calling the public to buy the latest radio or TV, the best washer, the potions inside. Demure neighborhood bars with ladies’ entrances. The winos, the spastic who writhed and negotiated the EL each day all dressed up in a dark suit, the old men spitting and smoking, arguing and watching the scene. And up on the streets the final years of horse-drawn carriages, ragmen, hucksters, insurance men with their thick black books, bibles to prosperity, proper and bitchy old spinsters who write letters to your parents, and the churches always full and prosperous. Like most neighborhoods back then. Like a small town within a city of rivaling towns or districts up against one another. My memories are sacred. I was “there” and not “over there” in Harrogate or, God forbid, The Northeast Village. We hated Port Richmond but they’re the same as us but a little more narrow.

* Kensington Avenue at Allegheny where there is an El stop.

Ass Fight

April 17th, 2009

It was a warm day into the seventies and brightly cloudy. The sun seemed to be fighting to get through. It was spring like and Mayfair turned into men in shorts, Irish parties from bar to bar, the garden supplies stacked up outside ShopRite ready for sale. A couple were feeling one another up and kissing in a little crevice of the Mall’s entrance. I went about in a tee shirt while Marci kept on her light jacket.

We have Medina for the weekend. I took them to the movies and to Borders. We went to the supermarket too. The child loves her grandmom. They will enjoy one another watching endless TV, talking, and finally going to bed. Grandmom will stay with her, hug her and talk some more as the TV continues to blare.

I’ll sleep alone. Every once in a while I get a break. I’ll be able to stretch my body all over the mattress instead of up “against the fence” which means her fat ass chasing mine all night, pushing my skinny, almost non-existent ass against my senior citizen fence. The little fence has become my friend. I’ve actually used it to sleep. I wake up to its indentation upon my ribcage. The fence is there because I occasionally have such frightening or emotion-laden dreams that I throw myself out of bed. I’ve been hurt. We argue about this all the time but she says I want to get under you, feel your body and your warmth. But Baby, I say, I am under you all night, you crush me down and I can hardly breathe. And it’s hot as hell too. Give me a break. In the middle of the night I have to have an ass fight with her so she’ll rollover and I’ll have some room. I’ve even won a few. Even the mattress favors her side. My side feels like a little parallel hill, (to my body), on which I’m pitched. Thank God for the fence. When she gets in on her side the entire surface pitches her way. I am leveled and straight now except it’s a tiny space and I’ll even be pushed into a narrower one. It’s a constant fight.

DeMille’s Gold Coast

April 17th, 2009

I finished “The Gold Coast” by Nelson DeMille. I enjoyed the read. The smug and self-assured speaker’s high-brow humor, while written well, was difficult for me to grasp. It had an appeal to a screenplay. Suffice to say I was amused. Similarly even the tragio-comedic second half merely entertained me but the plot was very tight, the voices distinctive, the comprehensive detailing better appreciated and the read more enjoyable.

I didn’t have the same response to the book that JMD reported. I bought the book because he recommended it. The genre is crime thriller. The style is first rate and breezy but pretentious. It would make a good PBS series. I was reminded of so many other books of that kind: e.g., Buckley, Dick, Dexter and P.D. James. Their tales also make for good theater and TV movies. DeMille is in that category. I read the book quickly. I couldn’t wait until the ending, a very good one with lots of twists. I did like the sexual angle: The story was successfully an extension of their sex games. But that game was not pretend in its consequences, unless you take a lighter interpretation since our narrator thinks about sailing to Hilton Head where his wife awaits. I won’t read the sequel. Scott Fitzgerald he is not.

ADM Scandal

April 14th, 2009

I finished reading a journalistic account of the price-fixing scandal at Archer Daniels Midland in the nineties: The Informant by Kurt Eichenwald, a New York Times reporter. (2000) I found the book well written, a real page-turner. The scope of the investigation led to prison time for principals and large government fines for ADM.

How that corporation fought the charges and the corruption within the ranks of executives reflected the big money influence of that entity all the way into the inner workings of Washington, DC. How the FBI and other government agencies built their case, piece by piece, revealed the determination of hardworking agents and prosecutors. Their labors were fraught with frustration, setbacks, and small victories that eventually led to the downfall of key corporate players.

It is estimated that the costs to the public of price-fixing schemes among various fertilizer, feed and food production corporations runs to the tens of billions for consumers each year. The Sherman Anti-Trust Law of 1902 remains the only tool to fight such abuses.

The most fascinating account is that of the whistle-blower, one Mark Whitaker. He claimed he knew of wrongdoing and was angry but his motives were gradually shown to be a scheme he selfishly figured would lead to the ouster of the Andreas family, principal stockholders and top managers of the company. He believed it would lead to his ascension to the leadership of ADM. He became a government witness after participating widely both in price-fixing and a maze of other embezzlement and money laundering schemes that enriched him. He continued in these illegal activities while audio taping meetings with other conspirators and setting up meetings that the FBI videotaped. The agents did not learn of his duplicity until well into the case. Eventually, although he did get credit for his cooperation and assistance, he was sent to Federal Prison because of his lies.

This one person, Whitaker, on the surface a talented technician and executive operating at a very high level of expertise and of very privileged status, proved to be a nemesis to his FBI handlers, a sociopathic and/or manic-depressive personality whose considerable energy and machinations did great harm to many, including himself. How could such a gifted and multi-talented man, who seemed to have everything, let his greed and ambition destroy so much? Looking over the patterns of his behavior he could be at once charming, sensitive, misleading, cunning, paranoid, aggressive, clever, generous and secretive. His story changed from day to day. He even tried to incriminate his FBI handlers. I found him an enigma. I’m sure his fellow defendants, the FBI and the prosecutors would agree.

There are very convincing con artists, as the newspapers tell daily. Lately, all the financial failures and scandals illuminate this fact. Why do such persons like Madoff, the guy out on the Mainline who has been in the news, ($150 million vanished), the big execs who continued to extend golden parachutes with our money, and so many more of the big shots, get caught so inexorably naked and disgraced? It’s almost as though they desire to ruin others and themselves. And it’s not just these types. They’re found at all levels. As a child I remember stealing my friend’s marbles. I found the sensation very pleasing but eventually I felt ashamed and returned them. I don’t think I’d even have the energy to run even one scam, like Mr. Whitaker. I believe there are some who are constitutionally incapable of honesty or insight. Whitaker was delusional and as such, blind in his own concerns. It scares me that there are thousands like him running about.

A Book Review: Poor People by Willian T. Vollmann, (Ecco, 2007)

April 10th, 2009

The scope of William T. Vollmann’s provocative Poor People is impressive: Thailand, Russia, China, Japan, the Philippines, and many other places, even the USA and his own backyard.  Our scribe travels and through interpreters in foreign places asks those chosen souls why they think they are poor. The replies are unsurprising but poignant against the squalid backgrounds drawn very bleakly in monochromes.  We hear it from the mouths of the suffering persons: Fate, a tick bite when I was an infant, a gypsies curse, God’s will because I failed in a prior life, bad luck and on and on.  But I could not help thinking that, although our inquisitor is sensitive and moral, even humble, he maybe guilt-ridden.   He is compelled to do his part to add to the grand narrative.  He is very well spoken, an intellectual for sure, and he acknowledges this – that the exercise is somehow vain and unduly intrusive.

He catches his subjects in contradictions, lies, exaggerations, admissions of failure, and self-defeating behavior.  Their embarrassment spins him confusedly as he visits them for information while paying them exorbitant funds compared to their meager earnings.  He offends me by his intrusiveness while I realize that great observer DeTouqueville was indeed a grande voyeur.  He is also self-labeled rich in comparison to those he’s chosen to visit.  In his journalistic ability to review the lives of a cross section of hominoids tossed about in the throes of the Global Economy, he does a wonderful service.  The old Industrial Age, in retrospect, fueled the conquering of the New World with all the evils of that passage.  The Global Age now infects the remainder of the so-called developing world for better or for worse.  Vollmann examines the worse in the face of a population explosion.

            As I read more, I became increasingly curious because I was not aware of the scope, the intended degradation and the designed denigration of peoples in the billions.  Or, rather, aware on an intellectual level, perhaps because of the degree I am with the poverty of my city, which is on the surface generally rich, as cities go, compared to the poor ones our author describes.  Yesterday I saw a pitiful white man sitting with his plastic bundles along Arch Street, Philly USA, a prosperous neighborhood now, adjacent to the Pennsylvania Convention Center.  He was a thoroughly burned out man in his early forties, an alcoholic misfit, a scrawny bum with a big red nose.  He was even aware of me on that pit in the sidewalk as I quickly glanced at him in my new car about to accelerate quickly from that spot into the secure suburbs.  Though close for an instant, we could have been on different planets. 

I also see the poverty in the eyes of my Middle School students who flock to me expectantly each day.  Some are already stamped too impressively in failure; they’re too far-gone.  They’ll drop out of high school and get pregnant or father a child.  Or hang out on drug-selling corners.  There are those who will be ensconced with mom well into their adulthood.  Many are the progeny of poor parenting begetting more of the same.  In my city alone, around four hundred killings will soon round out the year 2008.  The same will occur in 2009.   Few will escape, having arisen to the class above.

Most of Philadelphia’s citizens will survive, if even in respectable poverty.  Some shall perish of drugs, (not just a lower class phenomenon), or to the circumstances to which they’re sentenced, or slowly of the rot that inhabits the dregs of sorrow.  A not insubstantial segment shall be imprisoned justly by law but falsely by reason of expediency according to our customs, objectively arbitrary.  Many shall simply be poor by degrees as we were after The War and feel relatively content as they eye the bill collector or get the eviction notice.  Most will erode slowly or quickly, stomped out and degenerated to a lower order, the rules and practices harsh and absolute.  A few shall emerge from the fire of poverty stronger than most and rise above, to the clouds themselves.

It is in the comparisons that the muckraking occurs. The author’s exposures and insights are on the mark because it is necessary to rid the earth of such suffering.  He visits an oil city called Atyrau in Kazakhstan and with great difficulty discovers thousands in the old city, residents and workers, dying and sick of the burned off impurities of the sulpher-laden oil.  Similarly he visits a few victims of Chernobyl.  Perhaps 100,000 deaths are attributed to the radiation poisoning among the residents and Liquidators or workers forced to work at the site.  Government secrecy, collusion with industrialists out-for-profit, and the demoralization of the impoverished produces hidden away worlds of secrecy, suffering and death.  Criminals like the Snakeheads in Japan are never illumined.  All the villains are hidden.  

The realities described are so far away and so far out of our sensibilities, at least those in the rich world.  Most of us are benignly ignorant.  There are those that are willfully Darwinistic about inequity.  And perhaps Vollmann’s book will spur increased efforts to bring about change.  But the despair conveyed belies his Celinian quote in the preface: Poor people never, or hardly ever, ask for an explanation of all they have to put up with. They hate one another, and content themselves with that.  Or, perhaps, it’s worse than that.  They simply accept their fate and don’t care.  Or maybe that is a better alternative than hate.  But such resignation is fatal to the amelioration of injustice and poverty.  The hatred is rather that of the Rich towards the Poor, who embarrass and offend them.  Celine missed that one.  But then he identified with the bourgeois, and proudly so, a deceit quite popular in that period in France.  The poor were either impoverished by the victors who required what remaining wealth they harbored, or Semitic inferiors, like the Jews, who wandered the lands sucking the pure race dry.  Classic scapegoating.

And our well-traveled hero’s report on The Poor is impressive.  Quite an accomplishment!  But why do I think somehow he missed the mark?  Perhaps because I missed the mark somehow in my life in missing that reality or denying it?  Or even justifying it, short of accepting it?  Worse, accepting the impoverishment of most men as a given, classifying it as on-going and impossible to address therefore categorizing it as something to be dismissed.  Ignore it and it will go away like the rabid dog.  Or perhaps the matter is a simple one, as Buddha realized: simply a fact – not to be ignored, condemned, justified or accepted.  A fact that requires response, not reaction.   But the reality of world-wide poverty is compartmentalized in the West.  It is blissfully ignored under the guise of recognition or it is largely condemned.

Or perhaps it is the fact of my high school friend, who devoted himself to God, has resided for decades in Haiti and its horrible poverty in the shadow of USA.   He’s a priest, a missionary to those folk, African culture mostly, in an environmentally ruined land.  The French drained it of resources long ago.  My friend cares for those soul in his wide circle and I bet they’d never touch him in their worst outbursts.   He is, like Mother Theresa, a servant to the Poor.  The belief of old Catholics is that such service can and does excuse one of Hell, if not Purgatory.   My friend is in Hell and taking his moments one at a time, like Christ.

I experienced something of poverty after The War, in the early Fifties, when my family lived at the end of a runway in a military barracks-style shack and watched mosquitoes breed in the cesspools and Polio jump around devastatingly.  We depended on a great deal in those old days, hoping for a better life and, even as a young child, I saw that my parents worried their way.  Union busting and the flight of textile jobs south were also in process.  My father worked piecework at Yale and Towne and was grateful for the work.  But that anxiety and constant awareness of The Rich above us sixty years ago was a mild irritation compared to the awful conditions in Guatemala, or in East LA, along the back roads of Columbia, along the Nile, around the Tigris as it meanders through the desert at Baghdad where countless humans are now impoverished by war.

Mr. Vollmann, you did a splendid job!  But the scope of the problem is so over-determined as to despair of a description, or of a solution.  There isn’t one.  Unless men recognize that a total revolution is required, the greater mass of mankind will suffer.  That revolution is not a political or ideological one.  Rather it is a kind of psychological or, if you want, spiritual one.  Our hearts must empty resolutely or instantaneously of greed, selfishness, envy, hatred, pride.  Our lives must extend to the poor.  Their reality is ours.  Their suffering is ours.  It is not identification but truth.  Action, not discussion and delaying tactics.  Even Orwell couldn’t grasp it. 

Our poverty in the West is one of spirit.  That fact cannot be denied.  And this disillusionment enables the suffering of so many.  Recognized, the fact can be enlightening.  In that recognition, one’s individual poverty is extinguished.  To the degree that The Rich deny this realization, to that degree the Earth shall diminish as our home.  To the degree that we all realize this harmony, to that degree we shall be free of the Limitations of History, beliefs to which we are conditioned religiously.  To that degree we undo the propaganda, the so-called traditions and stuff of centuries and conformity jammed into our minds.  So be it.  But seeing it as false can be an awakening, an instant one! 

You may think me a crackpot or a preacher of some strange heresy but I confess I tried all the approaches and concluded I didn’t know shit about The Poor.  I don’t know it via Mr. Vollmann but he prodded me to investigate the matter.  And for this effort I am grateful.  Perhaps we would both do well to attend to the poverty in our own neighborhoods, as does the author, albeit with danger to himself and his daughter.  That effort is a very hard one.  Expecting it world-wide is a vain pursuit.  Mr. Vollmann agonizes with the poverty of those who encamp in his yard.  He finally shuts his big steel door in their faces.  It’s self-defensive.  It’s the way of most men.  Me thinks he strives to be Mother Theresa, albeit a literary version.  I’d rather see him more sensible and disciplined toward the poor on his property.  Perhaps then he’d be more effective.  It is necessary to cleanse the world of poverty but equally so to be alert to how it can offend and pollute one’s own home.   It’s a shame he didn’t make it into a novel.

 

Jim Murphy